Whirlwind - The Instabilities That Come With Autoimmune Disorders

This month has been a whirlwind. A whirlwind according to Wikipedia is “a weather phenomenon in which a vortex of wind forms due to instabilities and turbulence created by heating and flow gradients. Whirlwinds occur all over the world and in any season.”

Last week, I did the most I've done since being on my treatment and finding out I had Lyme. I felt really good the week leading up to my graduation and I got a little too excited. Last week looked a lot like pushing my limits, staying up a little too late, eating a few things I shouldn’t, and experiencing moments I didn't want to miss out on. This week I'm feeling the repercussions. 

I've been in a fog and really forgetful. My head randomly shocks with pain and my ears are ringing so loudly I say “what” about 1000 times a day. I sat down on the floor Wednesday taking deep breaths trying to escape the dizziness that makes me throw up and my body quiver. I wake up and turn my head, but everything takes a second to catch up. My neck is stiff and sleeping is so uncomfortable I've been taking double the amount of sleeping herbs to knock me out. It’s a weird feeling- being so exhausted your body aches with pain but you can’t seem to calm it down from racing.

​There’s been a lot of change lately. I graduated, moved houses, some of my friends moved away and overall the pressure of growing up has arrived. That would throw some turbulence in anyone’s life. Adjustment is always hard and this week has felt a lot like exhaustion, frustration and thinking “why me?” 

The highs seem to be a blessing but also a curse. The last two weeks of May I started feeling really good. I was able to do more than I have been the last two months without feeling like I was gasping for air with my body giving out and my brain feeling lost.

The highs are a blessing because I feel good and I'm able to live fully. I say they’re a curse because for a moment I'll forget what my reality is and that I'm taking 23 pills a day and taking shots of medicine that burn more than vodka. 

Optimism is a protection that works in my favor. Forgetfulness is a distraction that has a low blow on the comedown emotionally and physically. Awareness has become key.

I was at a doctor's appointment telling a Lyme specialist I felt really good and thought I was beating this thing. He did a half-smirk and reminded me to embrace it and remember how good I feel during the good weeks because I might have days where I can’t get out of bed. 

He spoke carefully like people do when they don’t want to tell you something because they know they’re about to break your heart. He explained that regardless of how I’m feeling I need to be cautious. The bloodwork showed my CD 57 was at 17, a normal person is between 60-70. Shocking right? My Instagram pics make me forget I’m an intricate 17 also. This means my natural killer cells that fight off disease are not doing their job. I have severe immunosuppression caused by a chronic intracellular bacterial infection. 

I learned my body has adjusted and coped with sickness so much that sometimes I don’t even know I'm sick because, to me, it's normal to feel that way. Wild.
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So this month has been a whirlwind. I am unstable, wavering, but I am still powerful. This week has been a whirlwind and I'm feeling like a true 17. But whirlwinds happen all over the world and in any season. 

That means there might be someone else out there feeling a sudden reaction to the chaos; struggling a little bit whether that might be health or hurt. It’s a whirlwind and it can come in different capacities, some harder to avoid than others. It can happen in any season, but it doesn’t last forever.

It’s a powerful storm; we’re fighting for the sunshine. 

All the love,

​Daisy