Today I feel good and that I am beyond thankful for that.
As much as I wish I could say I'm happy and pushing through, this week has been harder than most. It has been one of those weeks where I questioned “Is this really my life and how do I get through this?” as much as that aches my heart to admit. I had a hearing test, and the results came back not what I had hoped. My ability to process words was at 50% on my left side, meaning no matter how loud the volume is turned up there are certain tones I simply don’t hear. This makes for a lot of “what(s)”, a lot of frustration and a whole lot of uncontrollable crying.
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This month has been a whirlwind. A whirlwind according to Wikipedia is “a weather phenomenon in which a vortex of wind forms due to instabilities and turbulence created by heating and flow gradients. Whirlwinds occur all over the world and in any season.”
Last week, I did the most I've done since being on my treatment and finding out I had Lyme. I felt really good the week leading up to my graduation and I got a little too excited. Last week looked a lot like pushing my limits, staying up a little too late, eating a few things I shouldn’t, and experiencing moments I didn't want to miss out on. This week I'm feeling the repercussions. I've been in a fog and really forgetful. My head randomly shocks with pain and my ears are ringing so loudly I say “what” about 1000 times a day. I sat down on the floor Wednesday taking deep breaths trying to escape the dizziness that makes me throw up and my body quiver. I wake up and turn my head, but everything takes a second to catch up. My neck is stiff and sleeping is so uncomfortable I've been taking double the amount of sleeping herbs to knock me out. It’s a weird feeling- being so exhausted your body aches with pain but you can’t seem to calm it down from racing. 3 months ago, I was sitting with my doctor going over test results which showed I had Lyme Disease. I’ve been sick a lot of my life, so I’m used to hearing news that shocks me. I’m usually optimistic and think positive going into every appointment, but there’s always the fear of the unknown.
I got a call a few days before from my doctor asking me if I could come in for an appointment that week. My body froze and my mind went empty like it was trying to catch its breath by gasping for any ounce of clarity it could get. Then a million thoughts began flooding in. This can’t be good. Am I really sick? I’m going to go deaf. What if I can never hear music again? Is there something wrong with my brain? I bet it’s my brain, it’s been skipping a beat lately. Okay deep breaths calm down... |